PREFACE: It’s Valentine’s Day.
Earlier today, I participated in an educational seminar that heightened my awareness of a very, very real and somber topic: suicide. Considering the overall lack of awareness of suicide prevention and mental health, the negative stigma of each topic, and the increased national rates of suicide, I decided to jot down some free-form thoughts, ranging from my own experiences to external influences on changing the culture of how we perceive mental health.
MY EXPERIENCE: why the hell am I qualified to write about this? Well, I’m not, but...
I’ve been surrounded by mental health struggles my entire life. Bi-polar disorder runs in my family’s genetics, and it played a major factor in my childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. I’ve had friends cope with depression and battle through thoughts of suicide. On several occasions, I was the voice of hope and support that someone needed to hear to put down the pills and reconsider life itself. In one instance, a friend called me and was sobbing uncontrollably; I was this person’s first call after his/her friend had committed suicide.
But what about me personally? That wasn’t long ago.
March 2018, less than a year from today. I had experienced severe trauma a week earlier, and it all came to a head after a few drinks (as it seemingly always does).
Feeling a rare anxiety onset, I excused myself from dining table and half a dozen friends at one of our favorite sushi restaurants. Moments later, I found myself face-to-face with my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I was attempting to reset, to focus on the positives, to fight everything that had been building, things that had seemingly been culminating for years and were ready to climax. Eventually, I passed my internal litmus test, feeling “good enough,” and halfheartedly swung the door open. My friend was waiting for the bathroom, and he could tell that something was off. He asked if I was alright. In 99.9 percent of instances in my adult life, the answer was always “yeah, I’m fine,” regardless of the situation. But I finally couldn’t express that everything was fine. I physiologically couldn’t. Instead, I absolutely broke down, sobbing uncontrollably in his arms. It may have only been a few minutes, but it was probably one of the most vulnerable moments I’ve experienced in my life.
More on that at the end.
POPULAR INFLUENCE: a few things worth noting, both of which have had a significant influence on my — and the world’s — perception of mental health. Note: the latter was actually part of my motivation to seek out my first professional therapy session.
The mental health world owes the rapper Logic a huge “thank you.” His song, 1-800-273-8255, was written and released to advocate suicide awareness (if there is a more noble and brave topic to make into a top hit, I’d love to hear it). Following the release of the song in 2017, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) reported a 27% increase in calls, and the website’s visits achieved a 33% growth as well. This same trend occurred immediately after he played the song live on in front of millions at the MTV Music Video Awards; call rates jumped by 50% (Wikipedia). It wasn’t that the song inspired a rise in suicidal thoughts and depression — it provided a resource for those in need. Especially in today’s modern age with increased rates of suicide and diagnoses of mental illness, breaking down the barriers and stigmas associated with mental health on a global scale was a huge success.
Similarly, on March 6, 2018, Kevin Love rattled the sports world. In the Players’ Tribune, Love published “Everyone is Going Through Something,” a first-person narrative on his own battles with mental health. I had already respected Love for his on-court performance and positive off-court image, but this catapulted him towards the top of my most-admired list. Not only did he shed light on his experiences with panic attacks and seeing a therapist for the first time, but he continued the fight in removing the stigma associated with mental health. As he said in one of his closing lines, “So if you’re reading this and you’re having a hard time, no matter how big or small it seems to you, I want to remind you that you’re not weird or different for sharing what you’re going through” (Players’ Tribune).
THE CATALYST: why did I write this article? Note: don’t worry friends and family, I am not depressed or having troubled thoughts.
I work in in Naval Special Warfare’s Human Performance Program. This program supports elite Navy SEAL and SWCC operators in optimizing and sustaining their physical and cognitive performance so they are ready for combat. Since the inception of our program and its umbrella initiative (Preservation of the Force and Family — POTFF), suicide prevention has been a chief topic; there are dozens of healthcare professionals, psychologists, family support staff, and so forth to mitigate these mental health and behavioral issues. Despite this increased emphasis though, suicide rates in the Special Forces community tripled from 2017 (8) to 2018 (22) (CNN).
Today, on Valentine’s Day of all days, I was one of twenty or so participants in a safeTALK training — a three-hour alertness training to create suicide-safe environments and support those experiencing suicidal thoughts. As of yesterday, I was joking at the irony of hosting such a seminar on the most romantic days of the year. Twenty-four hours later, I am confident that safeTALK was one of the most enlightening training sessions I have ever experienced. In the comments section of their feedback form, I mentioned that this should be a required educational training, especially for those in a high-performance field.
IN CLOSING: let’s finish on an optimistic note.
Two weeks after my breakdown. April 2nd. Thanks to family and friend support (and reading that K. Love article), I had my first-ever appointment with a psychiatrist. I never envisioned the day in which I was seeking therapy for mental health, yet there I was. And truthfully, for someone who had grown to be relatively closed off, there was a lot to discuss — trauma, loss, vulnerability, and so forth. We even spent almost an entire sessions discussing traumatic events from my childhood, things that were seemingly insignificant yet impacted how I operate on a daily basis.
The result? It was SO beneficial that I had three more sessions throughout the year and, to this day, accredit my increased happiness to the sessions. While I haven’t seen a therapist yet in 2019, one of my resolutions has been to focus more on mental health, and I plan to follow through wholeheartedly. Does everyone need to seek professional help? Absolutely not. But if you are experiencing challenges and need someone other than a friend to speak to, it will absolutely be worth it.
Ultimately, my goals of writing and sharing this are to continue to bring awareness and destigmatize these topics and to demonstrate that “everyone is going through something that we can’t see.” Whether you’re an elite athlete, Navy SEAL, or this guy behind the keyboard, you can experience your own personal struggles and have thoughts of anxiety, depression, and suicide. If you are able, ask for help. If you encounter someone showing symptoms of depression, talk to them or follow up with a qualified healthcare professional. Let’s continue to make this a priority, and maybe you can one day help save a life.
NOTES:
If you ever need support, don’t hesitate to reach out. It’s one of the hardest things to do, but often the biggest challenges bear the greatest reward.
I am not an expert on any of these subjects.
All personal experiences are devoid of detail for obvious privacy reasons.
Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t always the ideal voice of support in my historical anecdotes regarding friends and family with mental health struggles. And, despite the plethora of personal experiences, I still don’t feel fully equipped to effectively support those in need.
We can all help in one capacity or another. I highly recommend doing some research or discussing strategies with a professional so you can be cognizant and ready to help if that time ever comes.
Consider speaking to your supervisor at work to incorporate mental health / suicide prevention training. It may seem ridiculous, but even just increasing awareness of signs and how to support can be vital.
If you have any stories, insights, thoughts, or feedback, I’m always happy to have a conversation.
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